Mama Love

I tell the kids all the time that when they are naughty or I am angry I love them the most/more then ever.  

That being said, there are times like this morning where I have to meet with a teacher before school/work and all I want to do is cry my eyes out and tell them to stop picking on my kid; while at the same time telling my kid to knock it off and stop picking on their teacher.  

I love being a mom and it is an amazing experience that makes my heart full to bursting.  It is a wild ride sometimes too, and if I was honest, I want to get off today.  

Guilt

This has become an Olympic Sport in our house.  Trained as I was in the art of second guessing, door mat and self-loathing.  I would make a good Catholic I think, if I could manage the kneeling.  

As a mom I found it could be ratcheted up to a whole new level that I couldn't even envision in my inexperience and days of sleeping in.  I have been keenly aware of my guilt and talk often with moms from all walks of life about this shared experience.  This last month though, I must say my elitist view of guilt came into sharp focus when Phillip was deciding on taking a new job.  He had moments of sheer panic that he wasn't going to be the kind of dad he wants to be with this great unknown work schedule.  He was not comforted by my insistence that the boys and I could manage and he would still be very involved.  I saw in his eyes and on his face the pain and debilitating grip that guilt holds me hostage to so often.  I knew that nothing I could say would assuage his feelings or ease the burden of this decision.  We spent the rest of the evening doing all the funky math that is required to determine your vacation hours earned per month in time for summer camp to ensure that he would still be able to go with both boys.  Guilt, you have taken my love, curse you!

Parent guilt.  I don't care if you work for a paycheck out of the house, work for a paycheck from the house, volunteer at levels that are debilitating or volunteer to cut things out at home.  I don't care if you spend all day with your children and are consumed by their every waking moment or are frantic to cram in quality time in what little quantity time you have.  We ALL are motivated by parent guilt.

Is this enough?  Is it too much?  Do I need to do more?  Do I need to do less?  Did I say the right thing?  How do I recover from saying the wrong thing?  Did I hug them enough today?  Is it wrong that I can't stand one more person using me as a jungle gym?  Is it okay to want a break that doesn't involve a lock on the bathroom door?  I just can't get enough of my kids, is that okay too?  

If I am honest with myself I feel guilt regardless.  Prime example is the dinner I put on the table.  If it is home cooked, all their favorites and meets all their nutritional/allergy/preferences I worry that I spent so much time not 'fully' engaged.  You know, the time where they no longer want to help cook, have homework, have been plugged in too long, need me to sign something about volunteering for something but I really DON'T want to burn things.  When I cheat at cooking and instead play a board game, read a silly book or just sit beside them while they are plugged in, I worry that I'm not feeding them well.  Really?  Really?  

So this common thread through parenting can eat us up.  Maybe spit us out, but probably not.  It drives us to do these crazy things, like compete with other parents.  We begin to judge others against the nonsense we have going on inside our minds, which remember are being held hostage.  This of course, if you have truly honed your skills at guilt, just adds another, deeper level of self loathing.

I don't know what the answer is, but I am actively talking about this 'shared' journey with other parents, well mostly other moms.  Guess what?  There is less guilt when you hear that no one else cleans the shower as often as you would like and there are shortcuts to a decent dinner and yes, while we all like a break outside of the bathroom, we are all grateful when we can even close the door so a lock is nothing to be ashamed of. 

And now?  Well, for all my progress, now I need to compete with Phillip?  Well crap!  Who's going to make dinner?

WHAT?

NO way has it been a year!  

Okay, so Jess, here is my first post and it is lame because I am at work and my camera is at home charging and I have nothing witty to say.  Yet.

I haven't done any more biscuits but I have kept at cooking.  To mixed results.  There were the pork chops that were burned on one side, raw on the other and one was cooked okay in the middle.  RJ doesn't even make eye contact with me on dinners like that.  He just uses a lot of sauce and hides his meat in the puddle.

I have mastered chili this year.  Evidenced by the empty pot from a scouting event.  Although I have been informed that teenage boys eat anything, I still count that as a mastered dish.  

Ooh, I did make meatloaf this last week and it was edible!  

There is much to catch up on so I will get my act together and do a sorta xmas card.  Good start Jess?

Biscuits II

There was a long moment when I was making this set of biscuits when I thought, "Can you decide to throw them away before they go in the oven?" Well, stubborn as I am, I didn't. Surprisingly they were the best batch so far. Okay, the best of two but still. Looks are deceiving. I was in a state of panic the whole time so I am just glad they aren't burnt. So here's the skinny....

This is a recipe for Cream Biscuits I got from the Fannie Farmer Cookbook. The cook/chef who created the recipe hosted cooking classes in Seaside, Oregon. Sweet! The recipe had some interesting quirks and caused me to pause and panic.
-Dough can feel tender? I thought that was just meat.
-Dough can be shaggy? What does shaggy dough look like? Shaggy like a hair cut?
-Is that too much milk?
-F! That is too much milk!
-Me: 'RJ! Can you throw some flour on the counter please?'
RJ: 'Why is this such a mess mom? Is it supposed to look like that? Why can't you do it?'
Me: 'Cooking can be messy with me.'
RJ: 'Right.'
-Can I just throw this away?
-Why don't they tell you to roll this out?
-Really need to find a better way to measure how thick the dough is. Didn't I say that the last time?
-Well, biscuit sticks are okay, right?
-Really, I have to drudge it through melted butter?
-Seriously, melted butter?
-Maybe they will taste good.

Well, don't judge my food based on how it looks. They were great! I must say that the melted butter was a huge help! This is a keeper of a recipe. Now I just need to work on it a bit so that they look better. Hmmm, cooking with mama can be messy. I did have to scrape the counters down before washing them.

Dinner

Yes, I have been cooking. Some dishes I have cooked well. There were some enchiladas in there somewhere. Today was very enlightening though. I made some pork chops that were cooked well, tasted well and the boys thought they were great. They were however done before the rest of the side dishes so they were a few minutes overcooked. Not dry per say but not tender. I mastered the art of standing facing the fridge and using the 'last of' a couple of things. Seared in a cast iron skillet, turned down the heat, added garlic and poured in the last of the orange juice. turned down the heat, covered and simmered. My challenge was with the Alfredo sauce that covered the pasta. Wasn't getting cooked fast enough so I turned it on high and whisked it until it was thick and bubbly. When pouring it over the pasta I found I had burned the bottom of the pan. UGH! Stove you VEX ME!
Thoughts during the experience:
-Pickled ginger goes bad?
-Note to self, check the pickles in the garage fridge
-Is that too much oil?
-Turn the heat down so they don't dry out
-Shoot the chops are done but the sauce isn't
-They wouldn't put 10 as an option if it wasn't necessary right?
-Whisk constantly
-WHY is there a HIGH feature if you aren't supposed to use it!!!!

Best result? RJ, 'This dinner is great mom.' Yes, he will be a great husband someday.

Biscuits #1

Like pickles this is a commitment for Phillip. He loves them. I started with the basic recipe found in the Better Homes & Gardens cook book. The red and white checked one. This is my go to book. It's the one that my grandmother, Muzzy got for me when I got married. All the women in my family have one and we even compare the changes that have happened over the years. Yes the original one still has the best pie filling recipes.

So biscuits. These were my thoughts while reading the recipe and attempting to follow them to the letter(ish).
10,10,10
Is the baking powder expired?
Alum & cream of tartar shouldn't be on the same shelf.
10 isn't very many
Don't answer the phone!
Is microwaving butter bad?
Does cream of tartar expire? 2 5/8 is closer to 2 1/2 then 2 1/4 They don't all fit! There are more then 10
Measuring the thickness of the dough is KEY
What do you do about leftover dough?
Using an oven light is rather deceptive
How much time do you add after opening the door?

YEAH, Success! Here are the pics. They were edible. Bland but edible.
I learned that I need a better way of gauging how thick something is besides my finger (the space from knuckle to knuckle on my pointer finger is one inch). Fresh ingredients are important, so is checking in advance that you have everything you need. You can microwave butter from frozen but only just a little bit. And I will move the alum to another shelf.
Also, biscuits are in my opinion, a vehicle for spreads AND should be served warm. Thankfully I have an abundance of spread choices from my preserves this summer. Including the softened butter and honey from the farm we were set. I was successful in getting flaky layers on the ones that were cooked all the way through (note the comments about opening the oven door).

What I really learned was that you really need to have uninterrupted time to cook. Phone calls, children's needs, TV shows, FB; really are a bit of a distraction. But given good planning I think that cooking is do-able. It became abundantly clear that I need to plan for cooking; recipes, ingredients, time etc. This is where the kicker is. I like to plan many things in my life, not as much as the other members in my family prefer and obviously not nearly enough for cooking either. So here we are week one and the growth that I realize I need in order to be successful cooking is not what I thought at all.

This is going to be harder than I thought.

New Year Commitment

Aside from the typical New Year Resolutions that are still on the list from last year: loose weight for more than 6 months; be a better wife/mom/friend/fill in the blank; save money (you get the picture). I decided to make a commitment instead. I am going to become a better cook. Oh stop the laughing right now! I mean it. I know that there have been, how shall we say it, incidents? I can safely say that I haven't hurt anyone with my cooking. And yes, I know it is because I won't let people eat it when it is that bad; i.e. flame throwing chicken. I would like to be able to cook better consistently.

So, I need a plan. Surprise! So here are my thoughts...
-Julia Child's book(s)? WAY to big of a book, not enough pictures.
-A new recipe a day? Uh, yeah no.
-Master a few things? Reasonable.
-A new recipe a week? Well, we'll see.

I decided then to have a more organic experience with reasonable expectations. For now.
I will commit to at least one new recipe a week AND master a few things regardless of how many times it takes.

This begs the question, what to master? Well, I have mastered a few things over the years, and by mastered I mean cook consistently well...
-Chili
-Chicken enchiladas
-Cranberry chicken
-Pineapple meatballs
-Brownies
-7 layer dip
-French toast casserole
-Roasted vegetables
Aaannnd I think that is it.
I can cook relatively decently although not consistently...
-Marmalade roasted chicken
-Mac & Cheese (yes, the kind from the box)
-Pesto lasagna
If you count preserves I can include in this category pickles & assorted jams.

I do want to cook biscuits well. Fish would be most excellent. Asparagus for sure. So those are totally on my goal sheet.

Now since this is Heather taking this on, you know this will be hysterical. So I also commit to sharing the journey. But only if you help. I will post my exploits...flaming chicken and all, if you give me recipes. I will try those that I think I can execute with safety in mind and my children's selective palate. I will also share pictures so that you can really enjoy the ride.

To mark my progress I would LOVE you to share your exploits of my cooking. I know there are some great ones out there. You can email them, post them on Facebook or I think you can leave posts here too.

So to start things off I will try to post the picture of the flame throwing chicken so you can enjoy the 'Best Of'.